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Relationships
by Sally and Ray Strackbein
Surviving an emergency depends on cooperation. Those who can work with others, for the good of all, will stand the best chance of coming through an emergency alive and well. Can you imagine being cooped
up in a hot or cold house, with no entertainment, little food and little water for washing -- with someone you can't stand to be around?
Communication is the key.
We started working on our communication skills from the very beginning of our relationship. We both know that real intimacy comes from sharing your heart and soul with another person and being totally
accepted for your true self. Accepting another human being doesn't mean agreeing with them at all times. It means understanding them and allowing them to be authentic.
People argue for weird reasons. Sometimes they don't even know why they are arguing. Of course, they are arguing to solve a problem, but sometimes they don't even know what the problem is; something just
seems wrong. If something seems wrong, most people argue about facts. If arguing about facts goes nowhere, then something else is wrong.
Let's switch from people to computers. Suppose a computer prints paychecks and some of the paychecks have the wrong amount. Assuming the hardware is functioning properly, there can only be two causes of
the problem: either the input data is incorrect or the computer program is faulty. To fix the problem, you may have to examine both the data and the program.
Computers use programs to process data. When humans process information, they process content. If you find yourself in an argument that goes nowhere, perhaps the problem is in the content or maybe the
problem is in the process.
Communication skills can be learned.
A mistake people make is to be unaware of the process. If something seems wrong, if people do not know what the process is, they argue about the facts. To avoid arguments that go nowhere, make both the
process and the content public to get better agreement.
Many times, an argument is not about getting agreement, it is about being heard and understood. For instance, a wife may be overwhelmed at the end of a long day. She had a harrowing day
at work. Her boss was in a foul mood and found fault with everything she did. Then, when she cooked dinner, she burned the potatoes. She cried, "Why did the stupid box say 10 minutes when it should
have said 8 minutes?" Her husband then told her that she only needs to pay more attention to the potatoes, in the future, and they won't burn. He, of course was right. He only pointed out an obvious
fact He was trying to be helpful. She, on the other hand, already knew that. She was already scolding herself for spoiling dinner. She really needed a hug and some validation
that she works hard and is a valuable person. She needed her husband to say, "Honey, sounds like you are having a rough time." He probably needed the same thing.
Listen.
When emergencies happen, we may not be able to solve all of the problems. We need to find a way to listen to the concerns of the people around us. We may be surrounded by spouses, children, friends,
relatives, neighbors, and others. Sometimes, just listening with empathy can help another person find their own solution, or feel the support to live with the problem.
Help is available.
You can get help learning communication skills from many sources. We particularly like the Imago and Pairs
approaches. Imago is based on the work of Harville Hendrix. He believes that we each choose the partner who can heal our childhood wounds. We have found this to be true and amazingly healing. Pairs is a wonderful method of teaching relationship skills. Communication skills help in any relationship: family, neighborhood, business, and community.
You can read any book by Harville Hendrix or the book, Passage to Intimacy, by Lori Gordon, the founder of the Pairs program. You can also take the Imago or Pairs seminars.
We have no affiliation with either program other than having participated in both. We found both to be wonderfully fulfilling.
You will find information about the Imago and Pairs programs at:
www.imagotherapy.com
www.pairs.com
www.y2kkitchen.com Copyright © Sally Strackbein sally@y2kkitchen.com
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